Where there’s smoke……

You know that thing when you waken up because you hear something beeping but you don’t know what it is or where it is or what time it is or what day it is so you hope it’s a dream or your neighbour’s car and you turn over and shut your eyes but the beeping doesn’t go away so you look at the alarm and realise it’s 5.30am and you better get up to check out the beep because if you don’t it will just keep going beep beep beep and waken up the whole house so you get up and have a scout around the house and you figure it’s a smoke alarm but you don’t know which one so you stand under them all until you identify the one that is beeping and of course it’s the one on the highest ceiling in the house and the wee step ladders won’t be big enough but you still go and get them out the cupboard, knowing that they will be too small to do the job and you climb to the top rung, which is really just the second rung because they are really too small, and sure enough you can’t reach but you stretch as much as you can, nearly breaking your back in the process and swearing a little bit try to reach up to the alarm so you have to put these ladders, steps really, away in the cupboard and go to the garage to get ladders and that means you have to go and put clothes on and you eventually get the ladders and climb up them and you remember that you forgot to put your glasses on so you can’t read the instructions on the alarm so you don’t know how to get the casing off, even although you pull it and push it and swear a bit when nothing happens, under your breath of course because you’re still trying to be quiet, and you push and pull a bit more and still nothing happens and you remember you don’t even know what kind of battery is in it so you get down the ladder to go to get your glasses, if you can remember where you put them, and then you get back up the ladder and you can’t see the instructions because it’s dark so you get down the ladder again to go and get a torch and climb the ladder again and of course you need a screwdriver to get the casing off so it’s back down the ladder to find a screwdriver and back up the ladder with a screwdriver and being a smart guy you’ve also brought a AA battery because you’re sure that what is in it and so eventually you get the casing off and realise it’s a fucking 9v battery you need so it’s back down the ladder and into the battery cupboard and of course you can’t find a 9v battery but then you remember that your bagpipe microphone pre-amp uses one of them so you go and find one in that bag and get back up the ladder with the battery in one hand and the torch in the other hand and a screwdriver between your teeth and all the time you’re trying to be quiet because you don’t want to waken anyone up but of course you drop the torch and it clatters to the ground and you swear a bit and get back down the ladder and get the torch and get back up the ladder and eventually get the casing off and change the battery and get down the ladder and put the ladder back in the garage and the torch back in the cupboard and the old battery in the bin and you think you might go back to bed but then you realise that you did waken up the house so there’s no point going back to bed so you might as well go and start the day. That!